I used to wear the ‘people pleaser’ badge like it was something to be proud of.You know the type—first to say yes, last to leave, constantly nodding even when inside I was screaming nope, absolutely not, not today.From the outside, it looked like I had it all together. Calm, capable, reliable.But the truth? It was making me tired. Resentful. Anxious. And worst of all— It was making me lose touch with what I actually wanted.If you’ve ever said yes just to avoid awkwardness, apologised when you’ve done nothing wrong, or spent far too long rewriting a text just to make sure it “sounded nice”… I’ve been there, and this article is for you.<div data-youtube-video=""><iframe width="640" height="480" allowfullscreen="true" autoplay="false" disablekbcontrols="false" enableiframeapi="false" endtime="0" ivloadpolicy="0" loop="false" modestbranding="false" origin="" playlist="" progressbarcolor="white" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/wjqgrytJpzo" start="0"></iframe></div><h1 id="cad5df51-99b4-4307-879a-73f8198ade78" data-toc-id="cad5df51-99b4-4307-879a-73f8198ade78">Why People Pleasing Isn’t the Virtue We Think It Is</h1>Let’s be clear: wanting to help others isn’t a bad thing. Being kind is powerful. Listening, supporting, showing up— thats beautiful.But people pleasing? That’s not about kindness. It’s about fear.Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict. Fear of being disliked, judged, misunderstood.And when that fear takes the wheel, your decisions aren’t really yours anymore. You’re not leading—you’re performing.You smile when you want to speak up. You agree when you clearly have no time. You apologise when they crossed the line.And the worst part? You end up surrounded by people who like the version of you that keeps quiet.It’s a lonely place to be.<h1 id="7e22690d-d15f-4381-bfdb-86a11518333e" data-toc-id="7e22690d-d15f-4381-bfdb-86a11518333e">What It’s Really Costing You</h1>Here’s what most people don’t realise about people pleasing: it’s incredibly expensive.Not in money—but in time, energy, opportunity, and self-respect.Here’s what it can cost:<h3 id="04197ed8-5d46-4f27-a288-8abb98166732" data-toc-id="04197ed8-5d46-4f27-a288-8abb98166732">In business:</h3><ul><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Undercharging and over-delivering.</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Saying yes to clients who drained you.</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Avoiding difficult conversations and letting small issues fester.</li></ul><h3 id="eca6d1ac-e231-49e2-a660-8f121affe391" data-toc-id="eca6d1ac-e231-49e2-a660-8f121affe391">Mentally:</h3><ul><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Playing conversations on repeat in your head.</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Always second-guessing yourself.</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Feeling anxious over the tiniest bits of feedback.</li></ul><h3 id="e4200458-0ec7-4ac4-aebc-6150d064085d" data-toc-id="e4200458-0ec7-4ac4-aebc-6150d064085d">Personally:</h3><ul><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Losing your sense of self.</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Constantly seeking reassurance.</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">Resenting people for asking, even though YOU never said no.</li></ul>Sound familiar?If so, let’s look at why this happens—and more importantly, what you can do about it.<h1 id="3cc8271c-4099-45f9-ba27-7ad16c5e55a7" data-toc-id="3cc8271c-4099-45f9-ba27-7ad16c5e55a7">Why Your Brain Thinks People Pleasing Keeps You Safe</h1>Here’s a bit of brain science to help you make sense of it.We’re wired for connection. Back in the days of small tribes, being kicked out of the tribe could literally mean death. So your nervous system evolved to spot even the hint of rejection and scream: “WARNING! DANGER AHEAD!”Your heart starts pounding. Your palms get sweaty. Your mind races.That’s not just anxiety—that’s your brain trying to protect you.So what do we do?We appease. We nod. We say “it’s fine” even when it’s really not.But what helped us survive back then isn’t helping us thrive today. In fact, it’s doing the opposite.<h1 id="699e7f3e-b7f3-4b44-80f4-a988526e73f3" data-toc-id="699e7f3e-b7f3-4b44-80f4-a988526e73f3">How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (Without Turning Into a Jerk)</h1>Right, let’s get practical.This isn’t about swinging to the other extreme and becoming some boundary-wielding bulldozer. It’s not about becoming cold, blunt or dismissive.It’s about building the confidence to speak up and stay true to yourself—without feeling like a terrible person for doing it.<h2 id="95f5a240-d005-49ec-b610-270a4f1517d7" data-toc-id="95f5a240-d005-49ec-b610-270a4f1517d7">Step 1: Start by Noticing</h2>You can’t change what you’re not aware of. So the first step? Notice your patterns.<ul><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">When do you say yes and feel annoyed later?</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">When do you stay silent when you want to speak up?</li><li style="color: rgb(55, 65, 81)">When do you apologise unnecessarily?</li></ul>Keep a note on your phone or journal these moments. Awareness builds momentum.<h2 id="a25c5a7c-556d-401a-ab0a-09888f042790" data-toc-id="a25c5a7c-556d-401a-ab0a-09888f042790">Step 2: Sit With the Discomfort</h2>Here’s the deal—saying no will feel uncomfortable at first.You might feel guilty. You might get sweaty. You might replay the conversation in your head on loop.But none of that means you’ve done the wrong thing.It just means you’re doing something new.Confidence doesn’t come from always knowing the right thing to say. It comes from proving to yourself that you can survive the discomfort.And you absolutely can.<h2 id="ead33779-72e5-4733-bbff-32b0f427a324" data-toc-id="ead33779-72e5-4733-bbff-32b0f427a324">Step 3: Practice Clear, Kind Communication</h2>This is where it gets exciting.Most people pleasers over-explain, over-apologise, or under-communicate.But with the right communication tools, you can speak up with calm, clarity and confidence—without feeling fake or forceful.<h1 id="0886771f-805f-4a79-8f8b-c53b12a4569c" data-toc-id="0886771f-805f-4a79-8f8b-c53b12a4569c">Real Talk: Saying No Doesn’t Make You Rude</h1>It’s time to flip the script.Saying no doesn’t make you selfish. Asking for what you need doesn’t make you demanding. Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you difficult.It makes you honest. Clear. Trustworthy.People might not always like it—but they will respect it. And more importantly, you’ll respect it.Because your voice matters. Your needs matter. And you don’t have to sacrifice your peace to keep everyone else happy.<h1 id="53c5ed2f-2b98-4665-a2df-4c99f491f14b" data-toc-id="53c5ed2f-2b98-4665-a2df-4c99f491f14b">Final Thoughts: From Pleaser to Powerful Communicator</h1>I’ll leave you with this:People pleasing is often just a mask. A performance. A clever way your brain tries to keep you safe from rejection or judgement.But you’re not here to live a life ruled by fear.You’re here to live a life that feels honest, bold, connected—and yes, a little bit extraordinary.And that starts with communication.Speak your mind. Own your space. Say yes to what matters. Say no when it doesn’t.You’ll be amazed at what happens when people meet the real you—not the polished, over-accommodating version.<h1 id="21608adb-9b4d-492e-8f89-ceee36b3a60b" data-toc-id="21608adb-9b4d-492e-8f89-ceee36b3a60b">Struggling to Start Conversations or Set Boundaries?</h1>Maybe you know what you want to say but the words get stuck in your throat.Or maybe you replay conversations over and over, wishing you’d spoken differently.I get it. That used to be me too.That’s why I put together a FREE 15-minute training that shows you exactly how to:✅ Start a conversation with anyone (even if your mind goes blank) ✅ Stop overthinking and speak clearly ✅ Build trust through simple, powerful communicationWhether it’s business meetings, networking events, or everyday interactions—this tool will help you speak up, stay calm, and stop people pleasing your way into burnout.<h3 id="83aeafb5-84d4-4318-b0dc-b276c331a520" data-toc-id="83aeafb5-84d4-4318-b0dc-b276c331a520">👉 Get instant access here:<a target="_blank" href="https://bit.ly/4dTZZaz"> Break The Ice Free Training</a></h3><h1 id="062db78a-5c6a-42cf-a5ca-6ccf2206fecd" data-toc-id="062db78a-5c6a-42cf-a5ca-6ccf2206fecd">Let’s Stay Connected</h1>If you enjoyed this article and want more no-fluff advice on confidence, communication and living a life less ordinary, let’s connect:Instagram:<a target="_blank" href="https://www.instagram.com/anthonylayespeaks"> @anthonylayespeaks</a>YouTube:<a target="_blank" href="https://www.youtube.com/@anthonylaye"> @anthonylaye</a>Website:<a target="_blank" href="https://www.anthonylaye.com"> </a><a target="_blank" href="http://www.anthonylaye.com">www.anthonylaye.com</a><h1 id="86333d2b-96af-47a8-aab8-4b04f0fd045b" data-toc-id="86333d2b-96af-47a8-aab8-4b04f0fd045b">Looking for a Speaker or Coach?</h1>For businesses that want to boost team performance, communication, and presence—or for event organisers after a dynamic, thought-provoking speaker—I’m here to help.As a keynote speaker and thought engineer, I help professionals, entrepreneurs and leaders shift their mindset and sharpen their communication so they can lead with confidence and live a life that’s anything but ordinary.Whether you’re booking a speaker, organising a training day, or exploring my mastermind program—let’s have a chat and see how I can help.

Let’s be clear: wanting to help others isn’t a bad thing. Being kind is powerful. Listening, supporting, showing up— thats beautiful.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (Without Becoming a Jerk)

Why People Pleasing Isn’t the Virtue We Think It Is

Why Your Brain Thinks People Pleasing Keeps You Safe

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (Without Turning Into a Jerk)

Step 3: Practice Clear, Kind Communication

Real Talk: Saying No Doesn’t Make You Rude

Final Thoughts: From Pleaser to Powerful Communicator

Struggling to Start Conversations or Set Boundaries?

👉 Get instant access here: Break The Ice Free Training

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How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (Without Becoming a Jerk)

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (Without Becoming a Jerk)

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